Affair recovery counselling: how couples rebuild trust after infidelity

Affair Recovery Counselling: How Couples Rebuild Trust After Infidelity

Affair recovery counselling offers a structured, compassionate way through one of the hardest chapters a couple can face. Drawing on Esther Perel’s understanding of why affairs happen, John Gottman’s evidence-based repair model, Shirley P. Glass’s “walls and windows” framework, and Sue Johnson’s attachment-focused healing process, this page shows how partners can move from crisis to clarity—and sometimes, toward a deeper bond than before.

Why Affairs Happen (Without Blame)

Affairs rarely have a single, simple cause. As Esther Perel explains, infidelity can be a story about loss, longing, or the shock of mortality—not only about sex or a failing relationship. However, this wider perspective does not excuse betrayal; it helps identify what really broke and how to heal it.

Because every affair has context, recovery begins by exploring what it meant to both people. The unfaithful partner may have been seeking validation or escape. The betrayed partner often experiences grief, anger, and deep confusion. When both meanings are mapped clearly, emotional chaos becomes more understandable.

In early sessions, couples slow the process down. This allows space to separate the emotional injury from the search for meaning. As a result, both individuals begin to feel heard rather than judged, which lowers defensiveness and prepares the ground for trust repair.

Restoring boundaries and transparency

Shirley P. Glass, author of Not “Just Friends”, describes healthy relationships as having strong walls and clear windows. When those walls weaken and windows open toward someone outside the relationship, secrecy replaces safety.

Recovery therefore requires reversing that pattern. Couples in affair recovery counselling work to close the external window — ending contact, tightening privacy, and changing routines that fuel secrecy — while reopening the internal one through radical honesty, shared calendars, and open communication. These steps are not punitive; they are acts of care that re-establish trust’s foundation.
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During this stage, the therapist helps the couple stabilise emotions and agree initial boundaries. Both partners learn how to discuss difficult details without defensiveness, avoid re-traumatising conversations, and find ways to manage triggers together. Healing begins when truth replaces secrecy and both people feel emotionally safe enough to stay present.

A clear roadmap for rebuilding trust

(The Gottman Method: Atone – Attune – Attach)

According to John and Julie Gottman, affair recovery follows three phases: Atone, Attune, and Attach.

Atone begins with full accountability. The involved partner ends all outside contact and becomes completely transparent about communication, routines, and technology use. Genuine empathy replaces justification. Meanwhile, the betrayed partner is supported to regulate intrusive thoughts and regain a sense of stability without being rushed toward forgiveness.

Next comes Attune, when the couple starts turning toward each other again. Through guided dialogue, they learn to listen with curiosity, validate feelings, and rebuild emotional intimacy one conversation at a time. Together, they practise “micro-repairs” — short, grounding pauses after triggers — to stop conflict from spiralling.

Finally, Attach consolidates the progress. Partners co-create a Trust Revitalisation Agreement, detailing agreed boundaries, technology habits, travel expectations, and how each will respond during vulnerable moments. Over time, trust becomes embodied; proof is replaced by felt safety.
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Healing the bond beneath the betrayal

(Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment repair)

Even after full disclosure, many couples still feel emotionally distant. That’s because an affair is not just a rule break — it’s an attachment injury, a wound to the question, “Can I still rely on you?”

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), created by Dr Sue Johnson, addresses this deeper level of pain. Counselling sessions help partners recognise their repeated protest–withdraw cycles and express softer feelings — fear, shame, or loneliness — hidden beneath anger. The Attachment Injury Resolution Model (AIRM) then guides a key conversation where the involved partner offers a sincere, emotionally present apology and the betrayed partner shares what is needed to feel safe again.

As couples repeat these moments, nervous systems calm, hyper-vigilance fades, and tenderness returns. Through small, repeated gestures — such as agreed “islands of safety,” brief co-regulation exercises, and mindful physical closeness — the relationship gradually shifts from secrecy to connection.
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What affair recovery counselling with Eleos Counselling looks like

At Eleos Counselling, affair recovery work is gentle yet structured.

• Early sessions focus on stabilising the crisis, setting boundaries, and managing daily triggers.

• Middle sessions guide emotional reconnection through curiosity, honesty, and the rebuilding of everyday trust.

• Later stages consolidate progress with rituals, future-proofing agreements, and renewed intimacy.

Throughout the process, your therapist integrates Perel’s meaning-making, Glass’s boundary work, Gottman’s phased repair, and Johnson’s attachment-based empathy. You are never forced toward reconciliation; rather, you are guided toward clarity — whether that means rebuilding together or separating with understanding.

If you are ready to explore what recovery could look like, a first session can lower the emotional temperature and outline the next steps. Healing begins the moment both partners choose honesty over avoidance and presence over blame.

Contact Eleos Counselling

Phone (landline): 01403 900079
Mobile: 07854 602050
Email: info@eleoscounselling.com
Address: Eleos Counselling, Little East Street, Billingshurst, RH14 9NP
Website: www.eleoscounselling.co.uk

References

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins, New York.

• Glass, S. P. (2003). Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Free Press, New York.

• Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. S. (2018). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon & Schuster, New York.

• Johnson, S. (2019). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark, New York.

• Johnson, S. (2002). Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors. The Guilford Press, New York.

• Levine, A. & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. Penguin, London.

• Baucom, D. H., Gordon, K. C., Snyder, D. K. (2011). Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On — Together or Apart. The Guilford Press, New York.

• Gottman Institute (2020). “Affair Recovery: The Gottman Approach.” Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com

• Perel, E. “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.” TED Talk. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

info@eleoscounselling.co.uk