Affair recovery counselling: how couples rebuild trust after infidelity
Affair Recovery Counselling: How Couples Rebuild Trust After Infidelity
Affair recovery counselling offers a structured, compassionate way through one of the hardest chapters a couple can face. Drawing on Esther Perel’s understanding of why affairs happen, John Gottman’s evidence-based repair model, Shirley P. Glass’s “walls and windows” framework, and Sue Johnson’s attachment-focused healing process, this page shows how partners can move from crisis to clarity—and sometimes, toward a deeper bond than before.
Why Affairs Happen (Without Blame)
Affairs rarely have a single, simple cause. As Esther Perel explains, infidelity can be a story about loss, longing, or the shock of mortality—not only about sex or a failing relationship. However, this wider perspective does not excuse betrayal; it helps identify what really broke and how to heal it.
Because every affair has context, recovery begins by exploring what it meant to both people. The unfaithful partner may have been seeking validation or escape. The betrayed partner often experiences grief, anger, and deep confusion. When both meanings are mapped clearly, emotional chaos becomes more understandable.
In early sessions, couples slow the process down. This allows space to separate the emotional injury from the search for meaning. As a result, both individuals begin to feel heard rather than judged, which lowers defensiveness and prepares the ground for trust repair.
Understanding Emotional Affairs and the Slow Drift Apart
Shirley P. Glass uses a powerful metaphor for healthy connection: strong walls protect the couple from outside threats, and clear windows keep partners open to each other. Yet over time, these boundaries can quietly reverse. Small confidences shared with someone outside the relationship may open a secret “window,” while a cold “wall” forms between partners at home.
To recover, those boundaries must be restored. Couples close the external window by ending outside contact, tightening privacy settings, or adjusting routines. Simultaneously, they open the internal window through honesty, shared calendars, and transparency. These steps are not punishment. Instead, they act as protective scaffolding while trust is rebuilt.
Moreover, effective counselling reduces blame and prevents emotional flooding. Early work focuses on safety: no more secrets, no contact with the affair partner, and an agreement on how to handle difficult moments. Gradually, the chaos of discovery is replaced by predictability and calm.
A Clear, Staged Roadmap to Rebuild Trust
John Gottman’s approach provides a steady, three-stage process known as Atone, Attune, Attach.
Atone begins when the involved partner accepts full responsibility. They show accountability through openness, voluntary disclosure, and consistent empathy for their partner’s pain. Apologies matter, but behaviour changes matter more. Therefore, many couples agree to short-term transparency measures—location sharing, proactive check-ins, or work-related boundaries. Meanwhile, the betrayed partner learns to pace questions, manage intrusive thoughts, and regulate their nervous system safely.
Once stability returns, Attune focuses on emotional reconnection. Partners practise curiosity and validation to understand each other’s inner world. Short, structured dialogues reduce re-injury and prevent defensive spirals. For example, couples might use a two-minute “checking circle” after a trigger or call a respectful timeout instead of escalating an argument. These micro-repairs gradually rebuild everyday trust.
Finally, Attach consolidates progress. Together, couples create a Trust Revitalisation Agreement—a living document covering boundaries, technology use, social media norms, and travel expectations. Small rituals of connection matter most: daily bids for attention answered with warmth, weekly “state-of-the-union” meetings, and regular expressions of appreciation. As consistency grows, proof-seeking gives way to felt security.
Healing the Bond Beneath the Betrayal
Even after boundaries are clear, many couples feel lingering distance. That is because an affair is not only a rule break—it is an attachment injury, a rupture in the question “Will you be there for me?” Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson, helps partners reconnect at this deeper level.
EFT slows reactive cycles so both people can access softer emotions beneath anger or withdrawal. Instead of debating facts again and again, couples explore the vulnerable feelings that drive protest or shutdown: fear, shame, loneliness, and longing. This emotional re-engagement shifts the focus from blame to bonding.
Rebuilding Emotional Safety After Disclosure
The Attachment Injury Resolution Model (AIRM) guides this part of therapy. The involved partner turns toward their partner’s pain and offers a heartfelt, specific apology. The betrayed partner expresses the depth of their hurt and asks for what is needed to feel safe again. With repetition, nervous systems calm, hypervigilance decreases, and tenderness begins to return.
In practice, couples rebuild safety through routine, predictability, and small acts of care. For example, they may set aside short “islands of safety” each week—times when phones are off and attention is fully present. They also experiment with gentle, graded intimacy: affectionate touch with clear consent, mindful breathing together, and co-regulation routines such as Stop, Ground, Reach, Reassure.
Furthermore, closure around the affair itself is ritualised. Some couples write a final letter of end-of-contact or agree on a shared narrative of their recovery journey. Over months, they describe feeling different—not because the past is erased, but because secrecy has been replaced by transparency and reliability
What Working With Us Looks Like
In affair recovery counselling, you will receive a non-shaming, paced plan that fits your circumstances. Early sessions focus on safety and boundaries. Middle stages rebuild emotional connection through empathy, honesty, and repeatable habits. Later work consolidates trust and future-proofs the relationship with shared agreements and rituals.
At Eleos Counselling, we integrate the insights of Perel, Glass, Gottman, and Johnson so your recovery is both structured and deeply human. If you are unsure whether to stay or separate, we also provide space for thoughtful discernment. Every choice deserves clarity, not pressure.
If you are ready to begin—or simply need to talk through what this might look like—reach out today. A first conversation can lower tension, organise next steps, and remind you that hope is not naïve; it is a plan practised daily.
References
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Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins, New York.
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Glass, S. P. (2003). Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. Free Press, New York.
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Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. S. (2018). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon & Schuster, New York.
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Johnson, S. (2019). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark, New York.
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Johnson, S. (2002). Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors. The Guilford Press, New York.
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Levine, A. & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. Penguin, London.
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Baucom, D. H., Gordon, K. C., Snyder, D. K. (2011). Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On — Together or Apart. The Guilford Press, New York.
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Gottman Institute (2020). “Affair Recovery: The Gottman Approach.” Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com
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Perel, E. “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.” TED Talk. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
Tony Larkin FDA,BA (Hons) MBACP (Acc)
I’m Tony Larkin, a qualified psychotherapist and counsellor based in West Sussex. As the founder of Eleos Counselling, I provide a safe, supportive space for people facing challenges such as anxiety, addiction, perfectionism, trauma, and relationship difficulties. With years of experience, I combine professional knowledge with compassion, helping clients find new perspectives, rediscover confidence, and build healthier connections. My approach is rooted in empathy and the belief that lasting change comes through understanding, self-compassion, and support
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